One in A Million

I did it the second time last night.

I told myself, I'll never ever do it anymore. The first time I did it, I didn't know, I wasn't sure and I didn't even realized that I did it that when I did it the other day, I was still, half-smiling. But last night, I was so clear of my actions. I knew what I was doing. And I did it harder this time, wanting to do it again.

I know you're gonna say its my fault again, but I'm used to it, taking the blame when its clearly your fault.

It hurt me to do so, but it hurt me even more, when you didn't care, even when I was right in front of you.

The first time, when you saw me, you smiled, and asked me why am I here. Even though you know its would be a disaster, yet, you didn't show me that you were mad or anything. But last night, you saw me. All you gave me was an annoyed look, and asked me why in a rough way. You know perfectly, why. You even elbowed me. In the cyber, in front of everyone.

You dissed me, totally. In front of your friends. I was alone, a girl, standing amongst so many many guys, but I feel so unprotected, even with you right in front of me. Did you know how I feel? I was all alone. All alone...

You didn't even bother coming after me. Or till now, even a word of apology that you lied to me. Again, a lie. A lie.

I sneaked out of the house, going over to yours, telling myself the whole time when I was otw, that I'm wrong, you're having a headache, and you're sound asleep and not out, at the cyber, playing games when we were supposed to be spending time together. You had a headache, and thats why I didnt wanna bother you... You said you couldn't stand the pain, you needed to rest. But when I reached your place at midnight, the fan was off, the door was open. Stood on the flower pot, to see no one on the bed.

I told myself before that, if you weren't at home, I must stay calm. I must stay calm no matter what. But I couldn't. I drove at high speed, cut traffic lights whenever I could, rushed over to the cyber. And I saw you there. I asked you, why. I asked you to come over the side just for a little while, but you just sat there and continued playing...like I was invisible. You said smth, as if it was my fault for coming to the cyber to look for you. Why did you have to lie again. I trusted you. But because of a game, because of your friends, you lied to me...you rather play your game and go out with them than to just spend time with me even if its just sitting down. Now how am I important to you? Do you love me that way? You kept asking me to leave. I pinched you and you elbowed me, at my stomach. Did you feel any guilt when you did that? Did you know my heart hurt more than my stomach did? I did it, and I ran out. But you didn't feel a thing... I went in again, with my dignity totally lost, and I tried to talk again, because I knew you would not come after me, but you said, you have nothing to say at all. You did not want to see me anymore.

I was...hoping, that you'll... nvm. It doesn't matter anymore if I say it.

Since you do not want to see me anymore...I'll slowly, disappear.

Tell me, how does it feel when you constantly lie to me, when I trusted you? Did it really feel good? Seeing me being a fool? Seeing me having tears welling up in my eyes, standing there, unable to do anything...

Why didn't you do anything? Because you know that even no matter how bad you hurt me, I'll still beg you to not leave? Thats why you took me for granted?

I drove to Daphne's place at 11.55pm, and I cried to her, until 1. The first time, it was my mum. This time, her. If it ever happens the 3rd time, there would be no one for me to go to anymore. I had papers the next day, notes remained untouched, but I stood up until 5am, reading through our wall posts, saving each and everyone of them.

The walk we had at the beach... You asked me randomly "what if this is our last walk?" It really was. I'd hold your hand, walk with you till the end of the beach, even if the path is never ending...but...you'd leave me now, for a game, and for your friends. Who is going to walk with you the rest of your journey? Them? I wish you luck. I'll never forget that last chat we had at the beach. I really wish all the things we said would come true and I wish last night wasn't real but my tears and now scars which will be around forever, will tell me they are real.

A month with them, and 2 years with me... You chose them over me.

From March 2009, till now, through the laughter, fights, accident, care and love, do you think it was worth it..? I put in my all...my all.

You ask me, why am I not like your friend's gfs, who let them smoke, drink, game etc. Why? Because I care for you. I'm not like those gfs who dont even wanna try to make them a better person when they can. You can, you just do not want to...

Time has passed, and you have changed. Like she said, this is really the second time, only this time, its worse. You totally left me there...standing. No matter what I do or say, I know, I'll never get you back. You're gone. You're gone with a huge part of me.

Now, you can be without me. You're able to club, drink, smoke, game till late night, gamble, club with em girls, drink away till you get wasted with them and do anything that you'll be happy doing, and no one will ever be beside you besides your mum whom I think is also tired to advice you, or care for you. I hope you'll be happy. As a gf, I tried to help you in every single way, to make you a better person. You might think you have a burden off your shoulders now, you might not care and might be relieved even, laughing away but in years to come, in the future, you'll regret this. You'll regret you ever treated me this way. Even if not much, you still will. If you're not gonna change now, you'll never have a blessed relationship with your future one. You're 21, start thinking for yourself alright? Time flies. You'll never know whats gonna happen the next day. Like what has happened to us... I won't be surprised if you're purposely doing all this, to make me see for myself. I saw it for myself... I did. & it hurts. It hurts so much. Now ask yourself, have I repeat any of my mistakes like this, twice...?

Since we got back after the 1 month break, everyday, I've been asking you again and again, why'd you change? You said because you sayang me too much last time, and now I'm stepping over your head. You said I've hurt you too much before, by going out with Jasper(which happened once and I never did it anymore, after last December), by following Daryl's car, by going out with my guy friends when I went back to Penang etc... I know my fault. But did you ever look at yourself in the mirror, and asked what you did to me? Yet I stayed true. I did not change. I might have change too, but I know I've changed to keep you, to keep you with me. You're always saying you're tired... What about me, crying like this everyday, am I not tired?

You know I've always put you first. Wake up first thing, you. Food, you. Outings, you. Every single thing, you. No matter what I do, you. Sometimes I think to myself, why am I living? Why am I even going to uni? And it'll all still relate to you. And you know, no matter what you did; smoke countless times, drank behind my back, lied to me, I'll still take you back...even if it hurts. Even if I'm the one always asking us to take a break but, do you think I've ever really meant any of them once? You always say I'm cruel. Aren't you? You've got your revenge, you got me so bad. Are you happy now?

Remember my last msg the night before. No matter how you treat me, no matter how you hurt me and no matter how mad I get, always know that I love you. The only difference is, one day in the future, if you ever need me, I won't be by your side anymore; because you took too long to realize.

You know, if you apologized immediately, ran out, grabbed my hand, and said you're sorry, I will forgive you, I will, because you're my everything. But no... you did not. Not even till now. So don't okay? Just keep it this way.

"Love isn't about finding the perfect person, it's about seeing an imperfect person, perfectly."

Even if you weren't perfect, and far from it, yet you're the most perfect person to me. Why...do this to me babe. why.

I've always cared for you and loved you but you chose to do this to me. One day, I hope you'll really realize, you've lost the moon when counting the stars.

2.29pm 11.4.2011