And unfortunately I cannot endure it... he, stayed overnight. With a bunch of bitches. The end.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Time flies, its already August. And I'm back here in KL. Going to Penang tomorrow in the evening, will be leaving for Shanghai on the 1st of Sept. Cold war ongoing, it sucks as usual but like the usual, there's nothing I can do about it. Thinking about us, but I really do not know what to decide. Being in a relationship, means mutual respect. Things you don't like me to do, I won't do, but I hope things I don't like you to do, you won't do as well. At least last time, you'd ask my permission, or even think of my feelings. You wouldn't do it if it would make me feel bad, but its different now. You told me you do not care.
Its been months. Idk why I'm still in this mess. Haven't been blogging at all, because no matter where I go to, run to, or whatever I do, makes no difference. I still go back to the same old spot. Idk what have become of us. Whenever I try settling things, it tends to become worse. Even right now, I'm sick of it. It'll never end so I decided to stop talking about it. Conclusion, this whole thing sucks. Really wanna let go once and for all, so tired... but again, talking is easy. Just want to let go and focus on studies once and for all. I hope I'll be able to do it in these few months, and start all over again this new coming year ^^
I had the best dream for ages just now during my afternoon nap, that I woke up in tears, because it wasn't real. If the dream felt so real, so happy, so damn happy, I think I'd die if it happened for real. I might forget what I dreamt of, but I'll never forget how it made me feel, even in my dreams. Last time, the quote saying "I do not want to go to sleep, because reality is better than my dreams" applied to me, but not anymore. I wish you'd come back dear love, I really miss you so much. Tomorrow night is gonna be a huge heartbreak, but I'll endure it ^^ I hope I'll have the courage to close an eye. I know I can, but it'll hurt.
In this month, I worked, got my pay, pampered myself, had my fun, late nights, bad results, heartbreaks, tears, everything, but I'm just gonna remember all of them. Too much to write down. I promise myself, and for the sake of my family, I'll start fresh again, next year, and I'll start writing again. Need these few months to climb back up. Anyway, its 3 more months left to a new year.
Gotta go pack my luggage for the next few days in Penang and Shanghai. Have a great Raya holiday you guys :)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
So exams are done, graduation and prom are over, what next?
So many things running in my mind. One of them is my further studies. Unfortunately, I'm dumb and lazy. Therefore, my results aren't good enough to get me into a good uni. No uni in the UK would accept me for physiotherapy. If I wanted to go to the UK, I'd have to redo a foundation for 9 months then only go into the 3 year programme but dad doesn't agree with the foundation idea. He says if I were to do another year of foundation, he wants me to pursue a better course, if not, money and time wasted. But the better courses I can think of that I'd consider doing is only dentistry and vet science, and those 2 need A-levels.
HECK I DO NOT WANT TO REDO ANOTHER 1 AND A HALF YEARS OF A-LEVELS!?-____-
On the other hand, I can choose to do physiotherapy in Malaysia for 4 years without having to redo A-levels or foundation but its all 4 years in Malaysia.
I WANT TO GO TO UK WOR T___T
If I wanted to transfer after 2 years, I'd have to do a foundation first, according to mum. Sure, I don't mind then, BUT DOES IT GUARANTEE ME A PLACE IN UK? No? Yes? I don't want to take 5 years to complete my degree! And all in Malaysia somemore!?
OH WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO DUMB! I can't even write a good personal statement. u___u so frustrated, sighs.
AND I DO NOT HAVE ANY INTEREST IN ARTS OR BUSINESS, NOT EVEN A TINY BIT.
The only reason I want to go to the UK is the exposure, and to have a taste of what it's like being away from home, and also to let things go. Well yes, my mind is studies first mel, studies first mel, but does my heart think the same way? I need to get away from this place, if not...
I really don't mind KL, I don't, after all, I know quite a lot of people there, and people going there, nearer to home, I have a car to use over there, much easier. Furthermore, I know that I'm a lazy person and its gonna be so much cheaper, studying back here, like 5x cheaper so I won't be wasting money but... since young, I've always wanted to go abroad. & now, I have only myself to blame for not being able to go over.
I'd do my foundation over in UK + the 3 years degree, after all its gonna be the same duration in Malaysia, and of course, better quality but foundation again? 100k per year? Sigh. Wish I could just go straight into Year 1 then there won't be any hassle.
Yup, only got myself to blame again.
Wanted to fly over to KL this 17th, but...kaching is the problem. 17th is so close. I wish that day would never come.
I think I've already know the answer myself, but I really wanna go to the UK wor. I just berat hati him. If I choose Malaysia, I berat hati UK.
Would he give up on me? Would UK give up on me? Beats me to know the answer.
Results are horrible and I'm not filthy rich... I have no choice, have I?
Saturday, June 4, 2011
"I hate it when my anger turns into tears, it hurts. - Dianne" I fucking hate it. The hurt is indescribable and you'll never understand how I fucking feel, to be at your beck and call, to only be around when you need me, and when you dont need me, everything you do is WHATEVER. How can someone be so, ungrateful? So irresponsible, so cold hearted, so selfish, so inconsiderate, so manipulative... When you make me mad, so fucking mad, I still have to give in. And all I can do is cry and forget. If I had one wish, I fucking wish that I could stay mad at you forever. When will I ever have enough?
Your phone forever no batt. 12.30 when i left, you said when you reach home you'll call me. k lor, just have to wait for an hour ma since you said 1.30 or confirm before 2. nvm lo. so i wait, wait and wait from 1.30 wait till now already 3smth. in the end you're sleeping over at somebody else's house. WTF. AND YOU DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TELLING ME or even think of smth? Give me fucking lame excuses e.g. his phone got barred. WHAT, HE CALLED YOU BEFORE THAT? You wanna lie also pls lie smarter la. You're only making me sadder for thinking that I'm that dumb. IF I DIDNT GO OVER OR CALL HIM THEN I MUST HAVE WAITED LIKE FUCK? pls la can you stop being so inconsiderate and be more responsible. bloody hell seriously. wtf. you want to say i talk bullshit? then you're 100% full of bullshit. you can't even call me at 1.30 when you said you will, so does it give you any right to say that i talk bullshit? all your promises are bull. This isn't the first time, this is the GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TIME-TH. Everyday the same old story, only different starting but it all ends the same way.
If I knew it was gonna be so hard, I'd never have let you enter.
so much to say but. nvm.
you're... just too much.
I really wonder someday, if I died, would you even shed a tear? Hahaha.
i know, i have no one else to blame. because I chose to stay. Even if now, its obvious that its an unrequited love but im still stubborn. NVM. MY EXAMS ARE OVER. I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO CRY, TO STALK, TO CRY AND CRY, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, EVEN IF ONE DAY I'M GONNA DIE BECAUSE I DROWNED MYSELF IN MY TEARS. No where to go, no one to talk to, only this pathetic blog. I wish I knew how to drink. Really wish I could.
I don't know why after all these fucking fucked up things you put me through, I'm still here. Why am I still here? Why should I even care if you die of lung cancer? Or jeopardize your health in any way? Who are you to me?
Yeah, who are you to me? :) and who am I to you? To receive such treatment? If you should know how I feel, after having all this written down, I must have sound mad to you right? :)
But actually, I'm so... hurt.
I really wonder someday, if I died, would you even shed a tear? Hahaha.
Friday, June 3, 2011
FINALLY, I'm free. No more exams, no more no more no more! I do not have to wake up in the morning, thinking of sch, or what time does the exam start and I do not have to go to sleep, worrying how am I gonna cram everything in the next few days. My exams officially ended today. Next up is gonna be graduation and prom night :)
I hope everything goes smoothly. Wanna enjoy myself kao kao here before I leave this place. I can't wait, really, but no doubt, I feel very heavy hearted. To leave fam, to leave friends and most of all, to leave him here. But to free myself, its the only choice left.
So since I do not have to study at all, or wake up early, I've been spamming Twitter. If I had more energy and patience, I'd read all of em quotes from @TheNoteboook.
The most meaningful one I've seen today is this - Sometimes a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, because she's not ready to give up hope that maybe someday he'll change back.
This is what I've been trying to say... I hope one day, you'll be back again. I still hope.
Will paste the quotes here that mostly apply to me :)
Letting him go doesn't mean you stopped caring. It means you stopped trying to force him to.
The person you were is gone. The person you will be is a stranger. But the person you are is what matters.
One day, you're going to look back,and think, "Damn, that girl really did love me..."
The truth hurts, but it doesn't kill. Lies may please, but they don't heal.
When you really care about someone, their mistakes never change our feelings because the mind gets angry but the heart that still cares.
Lesson learned: don’t place your happiness in someone else’s hands, because once they’re gone, so is your happiness.
No one ever gets tired of loving, but everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry, and hurting.
The worst feeling in the world is when you know you're losing someone and there's nothing that you can do to prevent being replaced.
Never get too attached to anyone because attachments leads to expectations and expectations leads to disappointments.
What did I do to have you ignore me? One day we're fine, and the next it's like I don't even exist.
Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing ever. But to hold it together when everyone else thinks you'd fall apart is true strength.
I don't want a perfect relationship. I just want someone who I can act silly with, someone who treats me well and loves being with me.
I cant promise u a perfect relationship without arguments and differences. However I can promise you as long as you're trying, I'm staying.